Beau Richard Wixon

Our baby boy’s name is Beau.

Choosing a second boys first name wasn’t as easy as our first boy, it had to be something that would ‘go with’ Cooper and also Wixon. Something that we both loved. Something that would complete our family perfectly.

His middle name was harder to pick. Mine is Jessica after my Great-Nana, Kodie’s is Richard after his Great-Grandad, and Cooper’s is William – after my Special Grandad. I wanted something ‘cool’ to go with Beau as his name was short. But given the rest of our middle names are family names – we kept that same tradition for our last baby. We decided on Richard, because Kodie and his Dad both have that middle name. After Larry’s Dad.

From the minute he was conceived I KNEW he was a boy. The whole time I was pregnant. At our 19 week scan we both saw a penis and testicles before the lady doing the scan said or asked us if we wanted to know (we were going to find out, and she took about another 20 mins to tell us even though we both saw!!)

I knew he would be perfect. When I was pregnant with Cooper I was concerned, not that he would be ‘ugly’ but that I would think he was ugly. Luckily he was super cute and I never ended up having to worry. Oddly also, in the delivery suite with Cooper I knew I wanted another baby. To feel that intense Love At First Sight, Love.

Thankfully, after a very sad loss between the boys, we finally got our beautiful, amazing, perfect second baby boy on Friday 17th June 2016 at 11.51am.

He was born via emergency c-section after a looooonnnngggg time in labour. I had gotten to 8cm dialated but nothing was happening, as he was posterior. The baby was ok, I was getting more and more unwell so the decision was made to get to theatre ASAP (I’m not a stranger to birth stories gone wrong lol with Cooper I lost 2litres of blood!)

The theatre staff asked me if I could feel them hurting my stomach – I said yes, the next thing this massive purple baby was being shown to me from above the curtain! WHAAAAT he was here!!!!

They weighed him and I feel like I was in and out of consciousness here but I will never forget my amazing midwife shouting ‘Renee! He’s ten pound!!!’

WHAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

We had no idea, we had thought he might be around 8 pound something, as Cooper was 7 pound 7 – perfect. Although Coops was 8 days early and Beau was 6 days late haha.

Because he was so big, it turns out his blood sugar was low, so I (and by I, I mean THEY – I was in no state to!!) had to syringe colostrum out of my breasts to get his sugars back up. After a couple of times – this worked and he was ‘normal.’

I thought – shit – maybe I did have gestational diabetes – even though I ‘passed the test’ and the nurses etc assured me it wasn’t that.

I forgot about that, then later that night, my besties were in the hospital visiting Beau and I. I was still whacked out but loved having them there! One is a nurse and noticed that Beau was breathing a bit too fast. For her to be alarmed is seriously alarming to me as she is the calm to my crazy worrying storm. We paged the nurses and of course they were short staffed but had Beau seen to by a Dr. He was breathing too fast, but all of his other signs were fine so they weren’t worried.

Fuck, I was. I thought to myself – that night, this kid is going to be a worry!

UGH if I could go back and change that thought I would. I so badly would. This is an OCD thought – that I caused it. ‘It’ being Type 1 Diabetes. Of course I didn’t, I know that. Logic tells me that. But my tired, warn out, OCD brain gets me to think it from time to time.

Beau’s T1D is caused by an attack on his immune system when he was sick with a virus last year some time. It is BAD LUCK. Random even. Not caused by the low blood sugars at birth. Not caused by us feeding him too much sweet food. Just shit luck.

That shit luck has played havoc on our family for the past approximately 300 days.

I’ve been finding it very tough lately, that – I’ve made no secret of. I am currently receiving support from my old OCD nurse who is now in Brief Intervention Counselling. I get a whopping 5 sessions. I’ve already had 2. It’s going too fast!

This week I had a session and I went in with an idea of what I needed. I need help. I keep thinking of this in a negative way.

Everything.

Like.

Ugh. Beau has diabetes.

Ugh. We need to bolus.

Ugh. I need to measure the food.

Ugh. He’s low.

Ugh. He’s high.

Ugh. He needs a correction.

Ugh. It’s a birthday party.

Ugh. Let’s have fish and chips for tea.

Ugh. The MiaoMiao isn’t working.

Ugh. It’s site change night.

Ugh. He’s sick.

Ugh. We are setting alarms.

AND IT HAS TO STOP!!!!!!

* (Can I just note, I never say those things, they just run through my head at       times – Beau would never know I was this down on it – promise!)

THIS. IS. NOT. BEAU. THIS. DOES. NOT. DEFINE. BEAU.

Beau is Beau. Beau Richard Wixon. He is a 3 year old boy who loves Peppa Pig, TV, chicken pasta, fluffies, bouncing on the tramp, living in the sandpit at preschool, his friends, his brother, throwing things, shouting, laughing, swimming, snuggling, Paw Patrol, being super duper cheeky, not listening,, Dinosaur Train, playing with his toy animals, baths, reading books, going to Music, going to Tumbletimes, having play dates, his brother, his Daddy, his pets, and his Mum. God damn he loves his mum (probably almost as much as chicken pasta!) He is actually perfect and I have been obsessed with him since day dot.

THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO FOCUS ON.

MY BEAU RICHIE.

I am in such a downward spiral and fusing myself with thoughts like ‘I’m not good enough. He’s better off without me. Other people can manage this better. I’m shit.’ and picking up all the other tiny shit things I feel and BELIEVING them.

I am not listening to those many many people who tell me I am doing a great job at managing this. That I can keep doing. That I am Beau’s best Mummy. I am ignoring them. I am not accepting help. I am not even asking for help.

So now, my job is to listen and try to believe it. (Please know this is not a request for you to tell me, I can read back on past posts on all the wonderful comments.)

But my MAIN job is to remember that Beau is Beau. He is not Diabetes. Diabetes isn’t him. Diabetes isn’t our whole world. It is a huge part of it now, but no matter how much I hate it, it’s not going anywhere. So. I need to learn to live with it. In a more positive way. Because Beau does. That amazing wee boy!!!!!

Anyways, another thing I have to do – is take 15 minutes ‘sacred time’ every day, so I’m off to watch some Netflix! Yay for hols!

P.S – Look how freaking adorable he is! Those eyes!!!