Just warning you, this blog is really just for me. It’s not really Beau driven.. But this is my place to vent and write and get it all out. Weird I guess as I do publish it and perhaps this should be written in a diary of some kind.
Beau has just been sick – unsure of what with – likely a kinda tummy bug. After school on Friday he was super lethargic, not hungry, had a temp, not really moving, had a headache and had been quite low at school that day. This meant he missed the once a year disco at school!
Lucky, as then he vomited. I have a vomit phobia and of course I was at home alone with him…
But we got through that and then came the sleepless night. I had a mattress on his floor and set up there for the night.
Because the new pump start was coming up, I have one of the diabetes nurses private numbers so lucky I could message her about what to do. Tummy bugs for diabetics are super problematic as their levels go low (no sugar) and their ketones (dangerous) can go high. To get ketones down – they need insulin. To give insulin – they can’t be low! A REAL MIND FUCK. Our nurse was very helpful and very encouraging that I could call the hospital any time to ask for advice/go in if needed.
It was a challenge balancing this but very luckily he was only sick for that one round.
I was also worried as he wasn’t peeing. Or eating/drinking.
Every single move he made or sound he made during the night I was up there with a bucket ready. Then I set my alarm for every 2 hours to check his levels and ketones.
So tired!!!!
In the morning he said he felt better, which was great! He didn’t eat though. And here we are 4 days later and he is still barely eating.
I somehow managed to balance his levels/ketones over the weekend. He was happy as by Sunday and desperate to go to school on Monday. He still wasn’t really eating much but full of energy so we sent him. I also reduced his basal rate by 70% meaning his hourly insulin rate was significantly reduced.
Unfortunately, of course, his teacher and main TA were away…
He had a couple of lows and in the end I picked him up an hour early as his nose was runny too.
Which brings us to today – where we can no longer do the pump start planned as his levels are so out of whack and his appetite still up the wop – so we can’t do it. Because in the trial, the pump and the sensor talk to each other with an algorithm specific to Beau and his insulin needs right now. Setting this up when his levels aren’t normal for him would be a very bad idea.
So he’s off school and now appears to have a cold. And pump start is set for NEXT Tuesday now. Which sucks as I was booked to relieve and really could have done with that money. But obviously this is much better for Beau.
Now we are sitting here, on the couch. Bodies touching the whole length of them, me typing this frantically and him watching some YouTube Minecraft crap running his fingers every so often through my birds nest hair.
Each night he has needed me – if not from the start of the night, then during the night he will come to me. Then he sleeps pretty much wrapped around me, hands in my hair. Of course I will be there and comfort him and support him always, but I am so very tired.
I have been trying to catch up from Friday nights lack of sleep but I am still feeling tired. Deep down tired.
There is something that strips your soul back when your child is sick. I have never been able to deal with it well, even pre-diabetes, pre-Beau, when Cooper was first sick.
My mind can’t think about other things. Nothing else. Every thought, action and ounce of my being goes to worrying, trying to help, feeling scared, feeling all about that and about nothing else. No one else. When you add diabetes into what was already an issue for me (and I guess, many Mums?) it makes it a thousand times worse. My brain has shut down to anything else. My (clean) washing pile is large. My hair is oily from Beau’s constant fingers in it – day and night. My heart is racing. I cannot think about work. I cannot think about chores. I cannot think about anything.
This is when I want to shut off from the world. Quit my job. Reduce contact with my friends. Stay away from public. Hunker down and be at home.
It is then I realise my mental health is maybe not going so well. I acknowledge this and think about the steps my ever-growing tool kit has given me.
Reach out, exercise, eat healthy (or not lol), connect with someone, read, mind-numbing TV, mindfulness, use my Kite app, get outside, buy stuff lol, make plans to look forward to.
Then it all seems too hard.
Today, it might be a walk outside with Rockypups.
Tomorrow, it’ll have to be going to work.
Thanks for reading, I’m fine – please don’t feel like you need to comment. It’s just me dealing with this during a tough minute.
Take care out there eh xx